Friendship is one of the most powerful, beautiful, and fulfilling relationships a person can have. It’s a space where we can be our true selves, free from judgment, supported through challenges, and celebrated during successes. However, while friendship holds so much value, it’s not always clear what makes it healthy and fulfilling. In many friendships, we sometimes find ourselves with unrealistic expectations or unsure about what we deserve in return.
In this post, we’ll explore what reasonable expectations in a friendship are, especially from the perspective of a Nigerian. But before we dive in, let’s first acknowledge that every friendship is unique. What works for one might not work for another. However, there are fundamental principles that can guide us toward having friendships that are balanced, respectful, and rewarding.
1. Mutual Respect
Respect is the foundation of any solid relationship. It means valuing the other person’s opinions, boundaries, feelings, and time. In a healthy friendship, mutual respect ensures that both parties feel seen, heard, and valued.
For example, in a Nigerian context, respect is highly prized. Whether it’s addressing each other with respect or listening actively when one is speaking, respect sets the tone for everything else in a friendship. If you’re expected to respect your friend’s time, opinions, and boundaries, the same should go for you. A friend who disrespects you — whether by undermining your thoughts or consistently being late or unreliable — is a red flag.
Reasonable expectation: You should expect your friend to listen, validate your feelings, and treat you as an equal. Disrespect, such as name-calling, mocking, or ignoring your thoughts, has no place in a friendship.
2. Communication: Be Open, Honest, and Clear
Clear and honest communication is key. When both parties in a friendship communicate well, misunderstandings are reduced, and conflicts are easier to navigate. It’s important that your friend is someone who is willing to engage in open conversations. Whether you need to express gratitude, discuss an issue, or simply check in with one another, a healthy friendship thrives when both people communicate their feelings freely.
But let’s be real — in many Nigerian friendships, there is this tendency to shy away from uncomfortable conversations. We often say, “If you know, you know” or “I don’t want wahala” when issues arise, thinking they’ll pass. However, avoiding tough conversations only makes things worse.
Reasonable expectation: You should expect open, direct, and respectful communication. If something is bothering you, you should be able to talk about it without fearing rejection or anger. Similarly, your friend should be able to tell you how they feel, too.
3. Emotional Support: Being There in Times of Need
Life isn’t always smooth sailing, and in times of hardship, it’s crucial to have friends who offer emotional support. Whether you're going through a breakup, job loss, or facing family issues, friends are the people who should lift you up. That doesn’t mean they need to have all the answers or solve your problems — it just means showing empathy and providing a shoulder to lean on.
In Nigerian culture, we often hear the phrase “if your friend is crying, don’t just give them tissue — offer a solution.” While it’s not bad to offer solutions, it’s important to realize that sometimes what people need most is someone who listens and empathizes without rushing to fix the problem.
Reasonable expectation: You should expect your friend to be there for you emotionally. Whether it’s by comforting you, listening to your worries, or offering practical support, a good friend is someone who stands by your side when things are tough.
4. Trust and Loyalty
Trust and loyalty go hand in hand. Without them, a friendship can easily fall apart. Trust means that you believe your friend will keep their word, act in your best interest, and respect your confidentiality. Loyalty is about standing by your friend, defending them when necessary, and remaining supportive through thick and thin.
In Nigerian friendships, loyalty is often considered a sacred bond. However, this should not be confused with blind loyalty. Loyalty should not come at the expense of your values or personal well-being. If a friend is doing something harmful or unethical, loyalty should not mean covering for them at the expense of your integrity.
Reasonable expectation: You should expect your friend to be trustworthy and loyal — not only when everything is going smoothly, but especially when times are tough or when there’s disagreement. You should also be able to trust them with your secrets and personal matters, knowing they won’t betray you.
5. Equality and Reciprocity: A Two-Way Street
Friendships are about give and take. It’s about finding a balance where both friends invest in the relationship. If you're always the one making an effort, reaching out, or supporting the other person, it can feel draining and one-sided. A good friendship requires reciprocity. It doesn’t have to be equal in every way, but both friends should feel like they are valued and that their efforts are acknowledged.
In Nigerian society, where friendships can be formed based on shared experiences or mutual respect, it’s easy for one person to feel like the other is taking them for granted. The idea that one person is always doing “all the running” can quickly lead to resentment.
Reasonable expectation: You should expect some level of reciprocity. Your friend should be willing to show up for you just as you do for them, whether in terms of time, emotional investment, or practical support.
6. Respecting Boundaries
Respecting personal boundaries is an essential, often overlooked, aspect of a healthy friendship. Everyone has limits on what they are comfortable with — emotionally, physically, or in terms of their time and energy. For instance, a friend who expects to talk or meet with you all the time without giving you space could create unnecessary tension. A friendship should allow both individuals to maintain their individuality while still remaining close.
In Nigerian friendships, it’s common to get caught up in the idea of "If you’re really my friend, you should always be available." While closeness is important, it’s also essential to give each other room for personal growth, family time, and other priorities.
Reasonable expectation: You should expect your friend to respect your boundaries, whether it’s about the amount of time you spend together, the types of conversations you have, or the way you want to be treated. They should not impose or pressure you into situations you are not comfortable with.
7. Forgiveness and Understanding: We All Make Mistakes
Mistakes happen, and no one is perfect. If your friend makes a mistake, whether it's forgetting your birthday, saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment, or unintentionally breaking your trust, forgiveness is an important part of maintaining a strong friendship. However, it’s equally important to learn from past issues and not let them become recurring problems.
Nigerians are known for their big hearts and willingness to forgive, but forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or disrespect. Forgiveness should come with the understanding that both parties are committed to moving forward and improving the relationship.
Reasonable expectation: You should expect your friend to own up to their mistakes and seek forgiveness if they’ve wronged you. However, you also need to be ready to forgive when necessary and be understanding of human fallibility.
8. Shared Interests and Fun
Friendships thrive on shared experiences and having fun together. It’s important to have things you enjoy doing together, whether it’s watching movies, attending social events, or having deep conversations about life. In Nigerian friendships, shared interests can range from discussing the latest Nollywood movie to bonding over a delicious plate of jollof rice or talking about football.
Reasonable expectation: You should expect to have fun with your friend, to share in enjoyable moments, and to create lasting memories. While you might not always agree on everything, having a sense of fun and mutual enjoyment strengthens your bond.
Conclusion
Reasonable expectations in a friendship are about balance, respect, communication, and understanding. A good friend is someone who supports you emotionally, values your time, and respects your boundaries. They should communicate openly, be trustworthy and loyal, and reciprocate your efforts.
Of course, no friendship is perfect. There will be moments of disagreement, misunderstandings, and even periods of distance. But the key to a lasting, healthy friendship is the willingness of both individuals to work through challenges and to invest in each other’s well-being.
In the end, your friendships should be a source of joy, comfort, and growth. They should add value to your life, just as you should add value to theirs. By setting reasonable expectations and practicing mutual respect, you’ll be able to cultivate deep, meaningful friendships that stand the test of time.