Marriage is one of the most important milestones in life, yet it’s also one of the most misunderstood and underprepared for experiences. For many people in Nigeria, marriage is not just the union of two people but an event that involves families, communities, and societal expectations. There is a great deal of pressure to make the decision correctly, and often, the emphasis is placed on the wedding day rather than the long-term work that marriage requires.
Before diving into a lifelong partnership, it is crucial to prepare yourself—emotionally, spiritually, financially, and practically. Preparation for marriage is not just about finding the right person; it's about becoming the right person. In Nigerian society, marriage has a deep cultural and familial significance, but it's also about individual growth. Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to prepare yourself for the journey ahead, from the individual perspective to the relational.
1. Understanding the Importance of Self-Reflection
Marriage, like any meaningful relationship, starts with self-awareness. Before you can truly give your love and support to someone else, you must first understand yourself—your needs, desires, fears, and limitations. Self-reflection allows you to see if you're truly ready for the responsibilities that come with marriage.
How to Self-Reflect:
Define Your Core Values: What are the values that guide your life? Is it family, career, spirituality, or something else? Understanding these values helps ensure that you're on the same page with your potential spouse. Marriage thrives when two people align not only in their goals but in their fundamental beliefs.
Assess Your Emotional Readiness: Are you prepared to share your life with another person? Marriage isn’t just about romantic love; it’s about emotional maturity. Are you able to manage conflicts calmly? Can you compromise when necessary? Do you know how to communicate your feelings effectively without playing games or being passive-aggressive? These are crucial skills you need to develop before stepping into a marriage.
Reflect on Your Past Relationships: Take stock of your previous relationships—whether familial, friendships, or romantic. What worked and what didn’t? What patterns do you notice? Self-reflection includes learning from the past and identifying habits or attitudes that may need to change.
Understand Your Own Life Goals: Marriage is a partnership, but it is also a path for both individuals to pursue their own growth. Before marrying, ask yourself: What do I want out of life in the next 5, 10, or 20 years? Do your personal goals align with your future spouse’s aspirations? Understanding this alignment is key to a harmonious life together.
2. Financial Preparation: Securing Your Future Together
Money might not buy happiness, but financial stability is crucial for marital happiness. Financial stress is one of the leading causes of marital discord in many relationships, including in Nigeria. While the traditional belief is that the man should take on the major financial responsibility, modern marriages are increasingly leaning towards shared financial goals and responsibilities.
Steps to Financial Readiness:
Evaluate Your Financial Situation: Before marriage, take a full account of your financial health. How much do you owe? How much do you save? What’s your credit score? Do you have a stable income? Are you living beyond your means? Understanding where you stand financially helps you avoid surprises down the road.
Discuss Financial Expectations with Your Partner: Money can be a sensitive topic, but it’s crucial to have open conversations about finances with your partner. Who will pay for what? Will you have joint or separate accounts? What’s your approach to saving, investing, and spending? In Nigerian culture, there is often a lot of pressure on the man to provide, but understanding and negotiating this responsibility can reduce tension in the marriage.
Create a Budget Together: Sit down and create a budget as a couple. This includes both day-to-day expenses as well as long-term financial goals. Will you be saving for a house, a car, children’s education, or a business venture? This budgeting should also cover emergency funds and retirement savings. A clear financial plan will help you weather storms, and it can also be a bonding experience.
Establish Financial Transparency: It's important to be upfront about any debts, financial obligations, or future financial goals. Financial secrets can create feelings of mistrust, so be honest with your spouse about your financial standing. Likewise, you must build a culture of financial transparency in your relationship to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings.
Plan for the Wedding Expenses: In Nigeria, the wedding is often a grand event—sometimes a family affair involving hundreds of people. While it’s important to honor family traditions and cultural rites, it’s also essential not to go into debt trying to impress others. You and your partner must agree on a budget that’s realistic and sustainable. In some cases, a simpler wedding may be just as meaningful and joyful.
3. Emotional and Mental Readiness
Marriage is a partnership that requires both emotional and mental maturity. While physical attraction is often what draws people together, emotional maturity is what keeps them together. You must prepare not just to marry but to become a partner who is emotionally available, supportive, and strong.
Ways to Build Emotional and Mental Readiness:
Work on Your Emotional Intelligence: Emotional intelligence (EQ) refers to your ability to recognize and manage your emotions and those of others. A person with high EQ will communicate better, resolve conflicts effectively, and create a more harmonious relationship. Being emotionally intelligent also means being open to change, growth, and compromise.
Understand the Nature of Conflict: Disagreements are a normal part of marriage, but how you handle them is what matters. Do you know how to resolve issues without yelling, name-calling, or shutting down? Do you know how to listen with empathy, even when you're angry? Being able to approach disagreements calmly and respectfully is key to emotional readiness.
Let Go of Unresolved Trauma: Sometimes, personal baggage from the past can hinder your ability to engage fully in a relationship. Whether it’s issues from childhood, a previous relationship, or emotional wounds, it’s essential to address these before getting married. Seek counseling if necessary and allow yourself time to heal emotionally.
Set Personal Boundaries: Marriage requires balance, and maintaining personal space and boundaries within a partnership is necessary. It’s important to understand where your personal boundaries lie and ensure that your partner understands them. A lack of boundaries can lead to resentment and burnout.
Build Self-Esteem: You cannot expect your spouse to fulfill every emotional need if you don’t first fulfill those needs within yourself. Building self-love and confidence is essential before entering marriage. Only when you love yourself fully will you be able to offer your partner unconditional love.
4. Building a Strong Support System
While marriage is between two people, it’s supported by the community around you. Your family, friends, and even your colleagues can provide valuable advice, emotional support, and help during challenging times.
Steps to Building a Support System:
Seek Guidance from Mentors: Marriage can be overwhelming, and it’s helpful to have mentors who have been through it and can offer wisdom. In Nigeria, this often means consulting older family members or respected individuals in the community. They can offer valuable insights into the realities of marriage and help you avoid common pitfalls.
Set Expectations with Your Family: Family dynamics can make or break a marriage, especially in Nigerian culture where extended family can play a huge role. It's important to have candid conversations with both your and your partner’s families about the boundaries of their involvement. Understanding their expectations can help you navigate the complexities of family life without unnecessary tension.
Cultivate Strong Friendships: Friends who have experienced marriage can provide valuable perspectives and a safe space to discuss challenges. Having someone to talk to when things get tough will keep you grounded and emotionally supported.
Learn to Handle External Pressures: Nigerian society often places heavy expectations on married couples, especially regarding children, career choices, and wealth. It’s important to learn how to block out these pressures and focus on what works for you and your spouse. Support from friends and family is great, but remember that your marriage is your responsibility
5. Spiritual Preparation: Seeking Divine Guidance
In Nigeria, faith plays an enormous role in how we approach marriage. For many, marriage is not just a legal or social contract but a divine covenant. Therefore, preparing spiritually before marriage is just as important as preparing emotionally or financially.
How to Prepare Spiritually:
Pray for Wisdom and Discernment: Seek divine guidance in choosing your life partner. Many Nigerians believe that marriage is divinely ordained, and prayer is an essential part of the preparation process. Praying together with your partner can help strengthen your bond and align your vision for the future.
Engage in Pre-marital Counseling: Many churches and religious groups offer pre-marital counseling, which is an invaluable resource. It covers topics like communication, conflict resolution, sexual intimacy, and the expectations that come with marriage. Pre-marital counseling also offers the opportunity to discuss faith and spirituality, helping you and your partner align spiritually.
Seek a Relationship with God: A shared spiritual foundation can help keep your marriage strong through difficult times. Having a strong relationship with God can provide peace, wisdom, and guidance throughout your marriage. It can also help you understand the importance of love, patience, and sacrifice, which are key values in a successful union.
6. Practical Preparation: Setting Up a Home
Marriage involves practical matters like setting up your home, which is often a major concern in Nigerian marriages. The goal is to create a space that is comfortable, functional, and reflective of both partners’ needs and personalities. Setting up your home together should be a collaborative process that helps both of you understand each other's preferences, priorities, and shared goals.
Practical Steps to Set Up Your Home:
Discuss Living Arrangements: One of the first and most important conversations you'll have as a couple is about where you'll live after marriage. Do you want to rent an apartment, buy a house, or live with extended family for a while? In Nigeria, many couples live with in-laws in the early stages of their marriage due to financial constraints or cultural traditions, but it’s crucial to have clear expectations about how this arrangement will work. Discuss who will pay for the rent, who will contribute to utilities, and the division of housework.
Start Preparing Your Home Early: Whether it’s renting or buying, start looking for a home well before your wedding day. There are many things to consider: location, accessibility, budget, and space. Don’t rush into this decision just because of wedding pressures. Take your time to find a place that you can both feel comfortable in and build a life together. Remember, some couples start small and then upgrade their homes later as their financial situation improves.
Create a Budget for Your New Home: The expenses don’t end with the wedding. Once you get married, you will need to furnish your home with essential items like furniture, kitchen appliances, and décor. Make sure you have a budget in place for setting up your marital home, and be realistic about your spending. This is also the time to start prioritizing needs over wants—don’t feel pressured to buy the latest gadgets or make your home look perfect right away. Focus on building a comfortable and functional living space first.
Divide Household Responsibilities: Who will do the laundry? Who will cook dinner? Will you hire a domestic worker, or will you both handle chores yourselves? It’s essential to discuss these responsibilities upfront to avoid misunderstandings later. Many couples in Nigeria rely on extended family help or housemaids, but it’s important to discuss the logistics beforehand and ensure that both partners feel comfortable with the arrangements. Open communication about household duties fosters mutual respect and understanding.
7. Physical Preparation: Health and Well-being
Taking care of your physical health is one of the best things you can do before entering marriage. Marriage requires a lot of energy and commitment, and being physically healthy will allow you to bring your best self to your relationship. It’s not just about being fit or looking good; it’s about overall well-being and being prepared for the physical demands that come with starting a family and managing a busy household.
Tips for Physical Preparation:
Schedule Medical Check-ups: Before marriage, it’s a good idea for both partners to undergo a thorough medical examination. This can help identify any health issues that may need attention before marriage or starting a family. Some Nigerian couples are particularly concerned about fertility and other health-related matters, so making sure both partners are in good health can alleviate unnecessary stress.
Maintain Healthy Habits: Exercise, eat a balanced diet, get enough rest, and avoid excessive alcohol or smoking. A healthy body will not only help you feel good but also improve your mental and emotional health. Marriage requires energy, patience, and sometimes long hours of work, so being physically fit is an asset.
Focus on Intimacy: Physical intimacy is an important part of marriage, and preparing for it mentally and physically is crucial. Discuss your expectations, desires, and any concerns with your partner in an open and non-judgmental way. Remember, intimacy is about emotional connection as much as physical pleasure. Both partners should feel comfortable expressing their needs, and there should be mutual respect for each other’s boundaries.
8. Setting Expectations with Your Partner
Before you walk down the aisle, it’s essential to have a deep and honest conversation with your partner about the future. This conversation should include your goals, dreams, and the values you hold most dear. Understanding your partner’s expectations and aligning them with your own is crucial for creating a strong foundation for your marriage.
Conversations to Have Before Marriage:
Career and Family Goals: How do you both see your careers and family life evolving? Are both of you planning to work, or is one of you interested in staying home? Are children part of your immediate plan? How many children do you want, and when? Understanding these desires will help ensure that both partners are on the same page when it comes to future goals and expectations.
Living Arrangements: As discussed earlier, where you will live and how you’ll set up your home is crucial. But it’s also important to discuss things like how long you plan to live in one location, what your long-term plans are, and whether you might want to move for career or personal reasons in the future.
Parenting Styles: If you plan on having children, discussing parenting styles and philosophies is key. What kind of parenting approach do you each believe in? Do you have any particular values or traditions you want to pass on to your children? Having these discussions now can prevent conflicts later when you start raising a family.
Dealing with Extended Family: Nigerian marriages often involve extended family members—parents, in-laws, and even distant relatives. Setting boundaries early on regarding how involved your families will be in your marriage is essential. While family support is important, overbearing relatives can cause strain in a relationship. Both partners should agree on how to handle family matters, and mutual respect for each other’s families will make a difference.
9. Pre-marital Counseling and Support
In Nigerian culture, many couples attend pre-marital counseling sessions organized by churches, mosques, or even traditional marriage advisors. These sessions can be a helpful way to prepare both mentally and emotionally for the challenges of marriage. Pre-marital counseling often covers topics like conflict resolution, communication, finances, intimacy, and the responsibilities of marriage.
The Benefits of Pre-marital Counseling:
Building Communication Skills: One of the key areas pre-marital counseling addresses is communication. Effective communication is critical in any relationship, and learning how to communicate openly and honestly from the beginning can set the tone for your marriage.
Setting Realistic Expectations: Marriage isn’t always a fairy tale. Pre-marital counseling can help you understand the realities of marriage—both the joys and the challenges. This can help prevent disillusionment later on.
Strengthening Your Bond: Counseling provides an opportunity for couples to deepen their understanding of each other. Through various exercises and discussions, both partners will gain insight into each other's thoughts, fears, and dreams. This creates a stronger emotional bond that will help sustain the relationship over time.
Providing Tools for Conflict Resolution: Conflict is inevitable in marriage. What’s important is knowing how to resolve it constructively. Counseling provides you with tools and strategies for navigating conflict in a healthy way, ensuring that you and your partner can address issues before they escalate.
Conclusion
As you prepare for marriage, remember that it’s not a destination but a lifelong journey of growth, compromise, love, and learning. Preparing yourself for marriage involves reflecting on who you are as an individual, understanding your partner’s needs, and coming together to build a solid foundation. From financial stability to emotional maturity, spiritual alignment, and practical planning, there are many aspects to consider.
The path to marriage is not always easy, but with thorough preparation, both partners can navigate the challenges that come their way. In Nigerian culture, where marriage is often seen as a union between families as much as individuals, it’s important to communicate clearly, set boundaries, and be ready for the realities of married life.
As you embark on this new chapter of your life, remember that marriage is not about perfection but about being willing to grow together. With love, respect, and patience, you and your partner can build a strong, fulfilling, and lasting union.